I've been here, waiting, for quite a long time now. For what, I'm afraid I do not know. Yet when trapped in the confines of a darkened cell, you always know that you are waiting for something. But like I said earlier, you never know what.
Now, I know I've made mistakes in life- that is why I'm in here in the first place. The mistakes that bury deeper then any pain, or sorrow have formed a solid cage around me. The only thing keeping me sane, is the fact that I know I must wait. I've never lost hope that the thing I am waiting for will come, so I must be in my best shape when it does. No need to scare it away with my ragged condition and hopeless desperation.
Because 'it' will give you only one chance, and everyone who is similar to me knows that. The people who have found 'it' have told us, too. If you frighten it, you're trapped forever. 'It' is the only key to open the door of light into your darkness.
But how did we find out about 'it' in the first place? Well, it's the simple Whisper of the Universe, playing in someones' ear. Like the voice that tells you right from wrong. Except 'it' keeps you sane, which leads to the right or wrong thing.
So now, do you get my point? I've told you enough of my tale, now you tell me yours. Have you found it?
((What is it? Who is the speaker? I do not know, you tell me in your reviews.
- Edward S.))
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Hm, I agree with Saint razorblade....this is odd. The writing isn't terrible, but it sort of looses it's appeal half way through. You don't have to 'get' a piece of writing to enjoy it- it can be weird and odd, but this didn't achieve what I think it could have.
The 'but' is unnecessary.
Onto instead of 'into'. It fits better and gives nicer imagery.
Like your subconscious? I don't like this part of the sentence much as it weighs it down at the end.
I don't like this ending much. It sort of rambles. 'Have you found it?' is probably sufficient enough.
Overall, I think this piece has potential to become something if you put in some action- some contrast. Or even some imagery. At the moment it seems like a speech.
If you ever need any help with your writing then feel free to pm me.
All the best,
Alainna
xxx
This is... really odd. Erm, there's not a lot that I can sink my teeth into. It's kind of incoherent and hard to follow. I'm sure your ideas would be lovely if they were given the time to flourish. There's not much action, either. Just a fledgling story stuck in park. This might make a good intro to something, or a summary, but not a story on its own. Stories need rising action, climaxes, and falling action to be considered a story. There's none of that here, to be honest. Expand! You definitely need to expand.
Also, just two grammar errors, and could you please space out your paragraphs like I'm doing? It makes things a bit more aesthetically pleasing.
Get rid of the commas in these.
If you have any questions, feel free to send me a PM.
-St. Razorblade
The Official YWS Pirate